Lotr Survivor
by ILoanADogma
Summary: Title seems pretty self-explanatory. What happens when you take the various lotr characters and challenge them to survive in the modern society? V. funny.


Welcome ladies and gentlemen to my newest brainchild. However I must warn you. It could get sticky and hilariously amusing. You have been warned.  
  
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of a certain wonderful author, by the way of whom would be turning in his grave if he ever saw this.  
  
Survivor is the property of er.. channel 10?  
  
Reviews are welcomed, makes less work for me. Enjoy.  
  
*Exotic theme music plays, as shots of downtown New York, L.A., and Washington D.C. are shown. You see quick clips of supermarkets, drugstores, and god forbid schools. The music plays on as the title "Survivor" flashes across the screen. The camera pans down to a young woman, with blondish-brown-reddish hair and hazel eyes. She has a serious look in those eyes, and addresses the camera.  
  
"Welcome. This is a rip-off of the American Survivor show. Here we take ridiculously successful fantasy characters and dive bomb them into the modern world. They will compete for the ultimate prize, a snuggle with lego..oh, whoops, I mean, they will compete for the ultimate prize, the privilege of.."  
  
*Here host squints at cue cards behind the camera*  
  
"Giving Aragorn a bath?"  
  
*Snickers are heard from the crew.*  
  
"Oh very funny."  
  
Host turns back to the camera, most miffed.  
  
"They will compete for the ultimate prize which will be..ultimate. Let's meet out competitors.  
  
First, we have Gandalf the Grey, also known as Mithrandir, Greyhame, and various other such things. Carrying naught but a long bent thing with a knob on the end, he is now a PR whore who.."  
  
*Host is pinned to a tree by the 'long bent thing with a knob on the end'*  
  
"AIEE! LET ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!"  
  
*Host lowered to ground, amid gales of snorting, much glowering exchanged.*  
  
"Ahem. Next we have Frodo Baggins, son of Drogo, former ring bearer and patient number #696969. Beside him we have his loyal..eh masseuse?..who goes by Sam, who at this moment happens to be fondly stroking our next competitor, Bill the pony! Bill, not much has been heard from you since the fellowship, but I'm sure we'll catch up."  
  
*Host takes a moment to replaster cheesy grin.*  
  
"And also here we have two more hobbits, Merry and Pippin! Beside them is Aragorn son of Arathorn, King of Gondor, and newly divorced from his wife it says here.."  
  
*Aragorn shoots host a look harsh enough to send back fleet of Uruk-Hai from Helm's Deep.*  
  
"And next to him is Boromir, local buffoon and recently reincarnated courtesy of Mr. Grey just for this show! Let's give him a hand!"  
  
*One slight, hesitant clap, that stops when it realizes no one else is applauding.*  
  
"Well then. To my left we have that bow twanging, pointy eared pretty boy party crasher, Legolas! Prince of Mirkwood! Kindred to him and here for our show is Elrond! And Galadriel! And that slimy git sneaking off into the wood over there is Grima Wormtongue! Hello! Chasing after Grima with a sword raised shouting 'CONFOUND you BASTARD!' is none other than King Theoden! Oh yes, and that rather peculiar creature slinking in the shadows is RingWraith #3! Beside him, also to seemingly be hiding, is Random Orc! And eyeing both of them with skepticism is Faramir! Kin to Boromir! Sitting on the rock beside him sulking and with his lower lip protruding is Eomer! And beside him trying to deliver comfort is Rider #11! Also we have Eowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan. Oh yeah, sorry there, almost forgot, that pathetically short man standing about groin height to Legolas is Gimli son of Gloin!"  
  
*Host finishes, nearly gasping for breath.*  
  
"Phew. Ok. These competitors will be placed into two teams, and will battle their way through obstacles of the modern world to receive awards. Those that lose however, must be forced to have a council, and vote off one member."  
  
*Host smirks*  
  
"Let's begin. Once I read your name you will step into this machine here called a 'minivan', and wait for further instructions. Team one.  
  
"Boromir. Aragorn. *Sharp cuss from Aragorn* Sam. Frodo. Grima. Random Orc. Bill the Pony. Eowyn. *Rude swearing from Aragorn, as Eowyn gives him lustful looks.* Elrond, and finally, Rider #11."  
  
*All members of Team 1 are now inside a white minivan, all of them looking rather uncomfortable and confused.*  
  
"Now. Team 2.  
  
Gimli. Legolas. Gandalf. Galadriel. Eomer. Ringwraith #3, Faramir, Theoden, Merry. Pippin."  
  
*Camera pans to a shot of both teams squished into their separate minivans. Host grins, like she is SO enjoying this..*  
  
"Hehe. *Cough* Team 1, you are Aiwe. Team 2, you are called Rocco. Your task is now to travel to your campsites. But in order to do this, you must learn how to operate the car and work together in order to find your site. Once you reach your destination, you can begin settling in. You are expected back here tonight, after the sun has gone down. The contest begins now. GO!"  
  
And with that, the different members of the teams tried frantically to operate their vehicles. On a sudden spurge of inspiration, Eowyn cried out.  
  
"The openings! We must close the openings first!"  
  
With that Aragorn and Boromir tried in vain to forcefully shut the 'openings', or the sliding doors. Losing his patience, Bill the pony nudged them out of the way and grabbed the door handle, sliding it shut. "Everybody take an indented seat!" Elrond shouted, jumping behind the raised, circular structure, or 'wheel', as we know it.  
  
Meanwhile, team Rocco saw the others slide their doors shut and followed suit. "FOOL OF A TOOK! MOVE your WRAITHY ASS!" "AH! AH! PIP! LEGOLAS IS SITTING ON MEEEE!!!" "Gandalf, there aren't enough seats!" "I'm king around here! Let ME sit beside the raised circular structure!" With a crack like lightning Gandalf let out a spark from his staff, which wasn't a good idea considering where they were. Screams emitted.  
  
"Random Orc! Take Frodo on your lap! Rider #11! Take Sam! Let's MOVE people!" Frodo recoiled and immediately started having a seizure as soon as the Orc made physical contact. "How do you start this thing?" Aragorn shouted, practically shrieking. Bill the pony nudged his muzzle towards an opening in the side of the circular structure, or the keyhole. "Ah, good pony!" Eowyn said. "It's requires a sort of key.. anyone got a key?" Bill the pony raised his head and removed a bobby pin from Eowyn's hair, presenting it to Elrond. "Wonderful!" Elrond jabbed it into the keyhole and fiddled around. The engine started. "AH! AH! WHAT"S HAPPENING?" Grima wailed. Not answering, Elrond automatically placed his foot down on one of the pedals, and they sped off.  
  
"LOOK! LOOK! THEY'RE GOING!" Galadriel coughed, trying to breathe through all the smoke. "This is no fun! I wanna go home and get a pony!" Eomer whined. Gandalf bent over the wheel, gritting his teeth. "START! I SAY START! OPEN UP! Mellon! COME ON, do SOMETHING!! Losing his temper, Gandalf smashed the windshield with his staff and climbed out onto the hood. Jumping off, he unpopped it and looked underneath. He gave the car a good zap with his staff, and to his delight it started. Started going forward. "WAIIIITT!! COME BAAACK! Gandalf flew over the top of the car and managed to grab on to the back bumper as it sped by. Seeing the peril, Legolas had hastily grabbed the wheel and was desperately trying to steer. "Eh, Legolas?" "WHAT Faramir?" "Just thought you ought to know, we're scraping Gandalf's ass off behind us." Legolas merely grinned, and stepped down harder on the pedal. "Are we there yet?" Pippin asked repeatedly, proud of himself for knowing that this was the thing to say when you're in one of the contraptions. While they drove, a frail voice carried on the wind behind them, screaming "Fooooooool of a TOOOOOOKK!!! OW my assssssssss!"  
  
Meanwhile, Team Aiwe had reached their campsite. Elrond slowly pulled into a firm black walkway, (driveway) and everyone managed to disembark the minivan with only minor injuries. Their campsite seemed to be a big rectangular box, colorfully painted with many windows and cheery looking flowers outside. On the front door was a sign that read 'Aiwe'. Nobody moved. "Go on," Elrond hissed, giving Aragorn a rather firm shove. "You're the fabled King, YOU go first." "Some guardian you are." Aragorn murmured, and approached the door. There was a little round knob about waist height. He grasped it firmly and turned. Nothing.  
  
"It won't open." He called back.  
  
Random Orc walked up to Aragorn, closely inspecting the door. Then with a mighty grunt he bashed his head against it. Impressively, the door gave, falling to the floor. Random Orc grinned, apparently pleased with himself. "Well done!" Sam said. The team then filed into their campsite.  
  
Team Rocco also had finally reached their campsite as well. They had a slight setback on remembering how to open the van doors, but Galadriel had sighed and with a tut she slid them open. Everyone filed out. They looked up at their new home, which was relatively identical to that of Team Aiwe. The only difference was the sign on the door, which said "Rocco". The team turned when they heard a 'plop' behind them, and turned to see Gandalf lying on the driveway, seemingly knocked out. Merry slowly approached him. "Something doesn't look right.." He said. Gimli nodded, moving closer to inspect the wizard. He snapped his fingers. "Of course! Look! His ass ceases to exist!" And among gales of barely contained laughter, Faramir, Ringwraith #3, and Eomer picked Gandalf up and carried him towards the door. Theoden picked up his staff.  
  
"Hmm, wonder how this thing works. AHH!"  
  
As soon as he had touched it, the staff emitted a huge beam of light, which shot straight towards the door and blew a huge hole in the center.  
  
"Well, that problem's taken care of." Legolas said. Both teams had now reached their campsites.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
*Commentaries from today's episode.*  
  
[Frodo Baggins, aka patient #696969.]  
  
"Well, if you ask me, today was rather exciting! Some people sure proved their worth...I mean who knew Bill could make such exciting kebabs? There was wonderful leadership, and I feel everyone worked together. Also, I learned you shouldn't judge people! I've made a new friend!" *Camera pans to see Frodo patting the hand of Random Orc.*  
  
[Aragorn, King]  
  
*Pounds fist on a table* "What the hell have I done to deserve this? First I'm stuck on the same team as that idiot Boromir who I THOUGHT I had FINALLY gotten rid of, then they put EOWYN on my team! As if I don't have ENOUGH stress to deal with! But NOOOOOO, we can't stop there now, can we? WE HAVE TO PUT MY ADOPTIVE FATHER ON THE TEAM AS WELL! BUCH OF #$&^!@%##$^!*@&#@#@#"  
  
[Eomer, pouty boy]  
  
"If you ask me, this is all rather tedious and stupid. What do they think they're playing at, stuffing us all into one contraption like that? And with Gandalf! I could've DIED! The fun can't stop there however, I am forced by some pervy hobbit fancying elf woman to CARRY GANDALF WHO NO LONGER HAS AN ASS up the stairs. Talk about Gross! I better win is all I have to say.."  
  
[Wraith #3]  
  
"Wow, I never knew like, that people were so like, harsh. I mean, like that Gandalf guy, he's totally like, whatever. And I mean, like, what's the deal? Legolas is SUCH a like, total hottie though.  
  
Tune in for next week's episode, the battle of the fridges.  
  
(TBC) 


End file.
